Airing Station – Fox
Airing Date – September 28, 2002
Episode – #803
Cast -
Michael McDonald – Stuart Larkin
Mo Collins – Doreen Larkin
Josh Meyers – Mt. Tuttle

DOREEN: Well, you must be Mr. Tuttle.

TUTTLE: Ah, yes. Is your son ready for his lesson?

DOREEN: Well, of course. STUART! Your substitute piano teacher is here!

STUART: Yes, mama, you don’t have to shout the house down.

DOREEN: Well, Stuart. Where did you get that Ho-ho?

STUART: It was a gift from Uncle Frrfrfrrrr…

DOREEN: Now, Stuart. I will not have you lie to me. What does mama say about the liars?

STUART: Tell a lie, and your life will be a living with a domineering mother and an absent father.

DOREEN: That’s right. What else does mama say about the liars?

STUART: Men are liars!

DOREEN: That’s right! And you know what, Stuart? You’re just not a man yet, so no more lying, okay?

STUART: Can I start lying when I get hair on my danger zone?

DOREEN: Stuart Douglas, you are fresher than bread. Now Stuart, get your buns over to the piano bench or I tell you what that’ll be the last Ho-Ho you ever eat, you understand me?

STUART: Ultimatums are abusive.

DOREEN: Well, he’s all yours, Mr. Tuttle. I’ll be upstairs, drying and styling my hair.

TUTTLE: Well, Stuart. Have you been doing your practicing?

STUART: Mm-hmm.

TUTTLE: You’re not lying to me, are you, Stuart?

STUART: If I said I did it, I did it!

TUTTLE: Uh, okay. Let’s hear your scales.

TUTTLE: Stuart, that’s amazing!

STUART: I know, I’m a genius.

TUTTLE: Well, that’s amazing. Ms. Larkin!? Ms. Larkin!? Come quickly.

DOREEN: Well, what is it? Well, now, Stuart. Did you bite your teacher?

STUART: If I did, he’d know it.

TUTTLE: Go on, Stuart. Play for your mother.

STUART: Okay.

STUART: I’m tired.

DOREEN: Well, Mr. Tuttle. I appreciate you trying to give Stuart some positive feedback, but honestly. I have heard chickens play better at the county fair. Cluck-clack-clack; cluck-clack-clack-clack. Cluck-clack-clack-clack. Clack-clack.

TUTTLE: Stuart, why didn’t you play for your mama like you played for me? Were you nervous?

STUART: No, when I’m nervous, I usually just pee.

TUTTLE: Stuart, I’m going to tell you something. You’re a very talented young man.

TUTTLE: That’s okay. Artists of your caliber are extremely tempermental.

STUART: I am not tempermental! I am not tempermental!

TUTTLE: Wait! Listen to me, listen to me! If you play piano for your mother just like you did for me, then I’ll become your permanent piano teacher. Then I can charge her top dollar!

STUART: What’s in it for Stuart?

TUTTLE: All the Ho-hos you can ever dream of.

STUART: Ho-hos are delicious!

TUTTLE: That was incredible. Ms. Larkin, come quickly!

DOREEN: Well, this better be good, Mr. Tuttle, because I am having a bad hair day!

TUTTLE: Please, come with me. I think your hair looks great.

DOREEN: Thank you.

STUART: Ah, what happened?

DOREEN: Yeah.

TUTTLE: Stuart, is there something you’d like to play for us?

STUART: Okay.

STUART: The Spider Comes to the Dance. Play it.

STUART: How was that?

DOREEN: Stuart, why are your pants off?

STUART: If you got it, flaunt it.

DOREEN: Stuart, do you think you could just behave and get through this piano lesson?

STUART: Please be patient, God isn’t finished with me yet.

DOREEN: Awwwww oh-oh-o-oh! Men. Mw-ah.

TUTTLE: You know what I think?

STUART: What do you think, Mr. Tuttle?

TUTTLE: I think you’re messing with my mind.

STUART: I don’t know what you mean, Mr. Tuttle.

TUTTLE: I think you know exactly what I mean. Because you may have me fooled, but you don’t fool me. You wanna know why? Because I’m a man. And men are smart. That’s why we lie. Now, look I’m going to call your mom down and you’re going to play just like you’re playing for me right now, or else I’m going to give you the spanking of a lifetime! Do you understand me?

STUART: Do-on’t.

TUTTLE: Well, I will! Okay?

STUART: Catapult: launch.

TUTTLE: Come here. You may be a little boy, but I’m not afraid to hit a little boy! You hear me? Do you hear me?

DOREEN: Oh-oh-o-o-oh-oh!

DOREEN: How dare you threaten my sweet, simpleminded little boy!

TUTTLE: He is not sweet. He is diabolical. Do you hear me, Mrs. Larkin? Diabolical. And he is messing with your mind, and my mind.

DOREEN: Well, that’s it. I want you out of my house!

TUTTLE: With pleasure.

DOREEN: March!

TUTTLE: Yes.

DOREEN: Stuart, promise me you’ll never grow up to be a man.

STUART: I have a feeling I never will.

DOREEN: Stuart! You really are a genius! Mr. Tuttle! Mr. Tuttle!

Duration : 0:8:10

Technorati Tags: Collins, Doreen, Josh, Larkin, lesson, MADtv, McDonald, Meyers, Michael, Mo, Mt., Piano, Stuart's, Tuttle

Tags: Collins, Doreen, Josh, Larkin, lesson, MADtv, McDonald, Meyers, Michael, Mo, Mt., Piano, Stuart's, Tuttle

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